Home is where the heart is
by NSandBLforever
Summary: "Her heart was a secret garden and the walls were very high" A two-three chapter long story about Nate and Serena filled with a series of moments between the two. My version of them in season six. I had to write this even though I hate the show right now. But yet everything that has happened on the show is canon.
1. Who we are

Love is a strange thing.

Love can come in all forms and shapes.

You don't know when it'll come along.

How.

Where.

_Who._

Then it's suddenly there.

_And then it's gone as fast as it came. _

Love is a strange thing.

Love is real.

In an office, in a big city, a picture frame crushes into million pieces.

As a heart crushes too.

_Love is very real._

* * *

Dan Humphrey has never been a big player, always been a pawn amongst kings.

For once in his life he wants that to change.

He wants his revenge, he wants what he believes is justice.

He wants this world where he's been and always will be an outsider in, to crumble.

But there is one good person left here.

One who's been there for him, been a friend.

Someone who deserves the truth.

And a warning.

So that's why he's standing outside his office now. The last steps up to the door feel like a mile. He doesn't know how Nate will react to the things he's about to tell him.

Nate's secretary tells him Nate's in, he has time to talk to him now, but only ten minutes. Dan doesn't think he needs more than that.

This is simple, but at the same time very hard.

He feels so ashamed.

He takes two steps forward and knocks slowly on the door.

"Come in."

Dan opens the door and Nate looks up at him and smiles.

"Hey man"

Dan smiles too, but it doesn't reach his eyes.

He sits down in the chair opposite Nate's desk.

"What's up?" Nate asks and finishes the papers he was reading.

"I.." Dan starts and looks down.

He has to start at the beginning, he can't begin with Serena.

"I think me and Blair broke up."

Nate's mouth is halfway open.

"What do you mean you think? "

"I mean..." He closes his eyes for a second, doesn't really know what to say, he isn't even sure himself what has happened.

"Neither has said the words, but I'm quite sure she ran off to be with Chuck."

Nate sighs, he was afraid this would happen. That Blair and Chuck are one of those couples no one can keep apart.

Even though he thinks it's not healthy for them to be together.

Not healthy at all.

He was standing on the sideline, quietly rooting for Dan.

"Are you sure?" He asks and his eyes wander to the picture standing on his desk.

Two brunettes and two blondes, four people who thought nothing could tear them apart and that the world didn't stand a chance.

They had been so wrong.

_So completely._

He sighs again as Dan nods at his question.

"I'm sorry, man" Nate means it. Even though Chuck's his best friend, he has had his chances and he has done his share of bad things, more.

Dan doesn't deserve this.

"When I found out..." Dan begins, now comes the hardest part.

He knows the history of Nate and Serena.

He knows that Nate not ever will be entirely over her. That Serena will forever have a big place in his heart.

And he knows Serena.

The impact she can have, the hold. And he knows how hard it is to let her go, but also how freeing it feels to finally be able to.

But Nate is still holding.

"I did something I regret. And I…"

Nate looks at Dan, brows furrowed.

"I was at a private bar and Serena was there and..." Dan stops, he can see on the look on Nate's face he understands what comes next.

He can also see that he didn't expect this.

"At a bar?" Nate finally asks and Dan knows why.

He lost his virginity to Serena at a bar.

Irony will never stop baffling Dan.

Their lives have been filled with it.

Their lives intertwined for better and worse, now he thinks they've all ended up hurting each other.

Nate didn't expect his own reaction. It hits him in the face, how his heart crumbles when Dan tells him. How it aches to hear the words.

He has a girlfriend, one he cares for a lot.

And that's not Serena.

They haven't been together in almost two years and he has seen her with others. It hasn't had much impact on him, just a tiny feeling in the stomach that disappears as fast as it come.

But now, now the feeling in the stomach won't go away and he feels a flinch of anger when he looks at Dan.

Something important has been robbed from him. A sacred moment shared long ago, that now feels soiled.

"I don't know what to say." Dan sighs and looks to the ground.

"There's nothing to say, Serena isn't my girlfriend." He sighs too.

He doesn't want to be angry at his friend. The feeling inside of him isn't Dan's fault.

The problem lays further back in time; the problem will always be there.

He never seems to be able to shake Serena.

_Never._

"I have a meeting soon so…" He says and Dan is up in no time.

He turns around and faces Nate one last time before he goes.

"I'm writing a book." He says and Nate listens intently.

"About the Upper east Side. The people, the secrets, the betrayals. I thought you should now. There are people here I think deserve it, I want you to know that you are not one of them. "

Nate doesn't know what to say, to believe.

As Dan shuts the door he goes up to the window. Stares at the streets below, the world he grew up in.

The world Dan wants to destroy.

And he gets it, he really does.

But still he doesn't know what to believe. Not anymore.

_Not now._

He takes up the picture he was looking at before, those four kids that grew up in a world filled with money, secrets, power-struggles and betrayal. But still they had each other, a bond they thought could never break. And now they are not the same at all, they are not kids anymore. Not those people on the picture.

Suddenly it slips out from his grip, it crashes to the floor and all the pieces fly around.

He realizes that he doesn't care.

_Not now._

* * *

"I'm back." Chuck say as he comes strutting inside.

"I can see that." Nate sits down and turns on his computer.

Chuck furrows his brows at the slightly cold welcome.

"Something you want to talk about?" He asks and sits down next to his best friend.

Nate shakes his head slowly and continues to have his eyes locked on the screen before him.

Chuck sighs into the air.

"Lily called." He says and tries to get Nate's attention.

He fails, but doesn't stop.

"No one has seen Serena in over a month."

Nate closes his eyes at his words. He is well aware of the situation, Serena is missing. She slept with Dan, he then rejected her and afterwards not a soul has seen her or had contact with her.

Mostly because people have stopped caring, she has herself to blame.

"I've heard." Nate answers and shuts the laptop.

"And?" Chuck asks, voice steady and calm.

"I don't care." Nate gets up from the coach and grabs his coat, ready to leave.

He turns around and looks at Chuck, who looks mildly confused.

"Why didn't you tell me you and Blair are back together?"

"We aren't…"

"Save it." Nate interrupts and walks to the elevator.

He sees Chuck's stunned face as the door shuts close.

The problem isn't really him but that Nate doesn't know who to trust anymore, who he can count on to be loyal, who he should look at as real friends.

Who he loves or should love.

_Who he is._

* * *

Serena is a mess, like always.

Spinning around on a dance floor in a big city in a foreign land. Intoxicated with alcohol and pills. And most of all her own deception, her own actions.

_Mistakes. _

Her own life, her whole existence, crushing her from the inside.

All she wants is to escape, find a way out, be free in every way possible.

Being here should help. The numbness ought to disappear more and more for each drink and each pills she takes. But it doesn't. She still can't escape the voices in her head that tells her she is a complete failure. That tells her there's no one left.

_She has no one. _

Not even herself.

Because Serena doesn't know who she is, who she should or could be.

She never has.

Suddenly she feels a pair of hands on her waist, a man behind her dancing to the beat.

She turns around to face him, to kiss him, to escape a little bit more.

_His blue eyes stop her_.

She has to get out of there.

* * *

"I found her." Chuck throws a folder on the table.

Nate doesn't need to ask who he's talking about.

_Serena._

He has found Serena.

"I don't…" He starts.

"Stop it." Chuck interrupts, mildly anger in his voice.

"I know you care. Stop pretending."

He leaves him there. Just Nate and a blue folder.

They both know he will open it. They both know he'll go after her.

They know he has to save her.

_It's Serena._

* * *

He's standing outside of her hotel room, conflicting feelings filling up his head. Anger and disappointment, sadness and frustration. Fear of what'll meet him in there.

He rubs his forehead and closes his eyes before he opens the door.

She's sitting on the floor.

Just a vague reflection of her past self.

"A bar, huh?" His eyes show no emotion as he looks at her.

Hers get blank immediately.

Her tiny wrists start shaking as she tries to cross her arms around her waist.

And then suddenly the anger he has felt vanishes. She looks so fragile in that moment, so broken. Like a little bird that's trying to fly away from the nest for the first time.

He walks over to her, sits down next to her on the cold floor, gently puts his hand on her bare knee. He expects her to pull away from his touch.

To his surprise she doesn't.

"Are you okay?" He whispers into the air, isn't looking straight at her, isn't yet able to.

No words escape her lips, she's afraid her voice won't hold.

She shakes her head, but he doesn't see it.

She is nowhere close to being okay.

She doesn't deserve to either.

Not now.

He sighs as he thinks she doesn't answer him.

Nothing will ever change.

She will always be too closed up, but at the same time too free.

And he will always wait for the day she won't be.

It's a lifelong curse, a hopeless life.

He starts to get up, but she won't let him, her hand reaches out to stop him.

"Can we sit like this for a little while longer?" He almost can't catch her words; they're so small against the empty walls.

He nods slowly and sits back down, their bodies up against each other and their breaths in steady symphony.

No words are exchanged.

They are passed that.

He feels her shaking next to him, so he takes off his jacket and gently wraps it around her.

They are quiet for several minutes before his voice fills the room.

"I'll take you home, Serena."

A tear escapes from her eyelash; she doesn't know where home is.


	2. Please, carry me

She feels paralyzed all the way to the airport.

Her mouth is dry and her head's spinning. She finds it difficult to just put one foot in front of the other.

Nate doesn't say anything on the drive there; he just gives her small glances which he thinks she doesn't notice.

He looks terrified. His blue eyes filled with fear, but also concern and tenderness.

It should make her feel better; it only makes her feel worse.

He guides her through security; and he almost pushes her to the gate.

Still, no one is speaking.

Still, he looks scared.

For what she doesn't know, probably of her.

Of what she's been doing, or what he thinks she's going to do.

They find their seats quickly and she still feels paralyzed, she almost can't sit down without his help. A numbness filling her whole body. It scares her, but she welcomes it. Because every other feeling that wants to creep up on her is far worse.

There's an escape in numbness.

One she is more than happy to take.

When the plane takes off her left hand starts shaking uncontrollably, she can't do anything but stare at it.

Gently Nate puts his on top of it, his eyes still looking straight ahead.

She breathes in at his touch, feels some of the numbness disappearing. She doesn't want that, she wants to keep it a while longer. It makes everything so much easier.

She pulls her hand away from his and places it in her lap.

"I'm fine" She whispers.

He sighs, knows that she's not. Not at all.

"I was just…" He starts, turns around to look at her.

"I want to help you." He says and locks eyes with her.

She tries to hold back the tears that want to come.

The look he is giving her is too much, she doesn't deserve it.

"I'm okay." She tells him and tries to smile; it turns out like some grimace.

"Are you really?" He whispers.

A tear escapes as she shakes her head.

"Not really."

She wants to be honest with him. She feels secure with him and she knows he cares for her.

"I've messed up, Nate."

He simply nods at her, doesn't want to sugarcoat it. She knows what she has done; she knows it's been wrong. Being Gossip girl, sending Blair's diary page for the world to see, sleeping with Dan.

"Blair hates me, Dan hates me. And you…You hate me too, don't you?" The last thing only a whisper, her lips shaking and her eyes blank.

"No." He whispers.

"Is that what you think?"

She gives him a small nod.

"I was horrible to Lola, I lied to you about being Gossip girl, and you fired me with good reason. You have every right to hate me." She looks down at her hands.

Talking about it is difficult, talking about it with him even worse.

"I don't hate you, Serena. I've never been and will never be able to."

His eyes completely honest, it makes her shiver.

"If you want to talk about things, I'm here."

"Always…" She whispers it so quietly he doesn't hear it. He wasn't supposed to either. She says it to herself, as a reminder. As a stray of hope.

They sit in silence for awhile, she is dying to talk to him, but afraid of the consequences. How he will look at her. She doesn't know how he feels about it all, about Dan in particular.

He's your friend, Serena, she tells herself. Just that, nothing more.

"Seeing Dan with Blair…" She clears her throat. He turns around to face her. His look impossible to read.

"It made me loose myself even more. I…" She stops, it's hard to explain. She's not entirely sure she understands it herself.

"I told him he was the love of my life. I'm clearly not his. He doesn't want me." She wipes away a tear from her cheek, doesn't look over at Nate. Just stares at her own feet.

"Oh." Nate doesn't know how to respond to that. Her words make the feeling in the stomach come back, the ache in his heart.

He quickly pushes the thoughts of it away, ignores the feeling in the best way possible.

"I don't know what to say." He confesses as he rubs his forehead.

"You don't have to say anything." She says and looks at him.

"There's nothing to say." She takes a deep breath.

And afterwards they don't say anything, they just sit in silence till the plane hits ground.

* * *

"_Get out. I mean it. I want you gone for good."_

"_The best time I ever had, was when you were gone six years ago."_

"_You're fired"_

"_You are just as bad."_

"_Now that our parents are splitting up I never have to see you again."_

Serena is tossing and turning. Her dreams only voices and words, but still so real and frightening.

_Almost_ only sound, the last thing she sees is Dan's face, mouth not moving. That moment is imprinted in her mind, the day she told him she would always love him and he said nothing.

She wakes up in a pool of sweat, trying to catch her breath.

All she wants is to make the pain disappear.

Run away from it.

She starts sobbing against her pillow, her breaths still unsteady.

After a while she doesn't have more tears, she feels completely empty. She gets up from the bed and starts wandering around in the hotel room.

Her feet take her automatically to the bag on the bathroom. She stops and reaches for a little box. Her hands start shaking as she opens it.

Pills.

_Escape._

She takes them out, takes a deep breath.

They feel so heavy in the palm of her hand. She's about to swallow some of them when she looks in the mirror. Her hair a mess, her skin pale, and her blue eyes swollen from the crying.

_Blue eyes._

She loses the pills in the sink, turns on the water and sees them follow it down.

She closes her eyes.

She needs to talk to Nate.

After a little while she finds her phone and his number.

She dials it, waits patiently. He is not answering, she throws the phone away.

Sighs and curls up in bed, her eyes wanders to the clock. It's late, he's probably sleeping.

She knows he is a couple of floors over her and a part of her wants to go to him.

But then she remembers Lola, she's probably there too.

She pushes the thoughts away and slips under the sheet.

She has to get through this without him, can't rely on him for everything.

_But right now, he's all she's got. _

* * *

Fall becomes winter.

As the leaves fall from the trees, Serena feels more and more depressed.

More and more numb and empty.

Alone in the city she grew up in.

She has Nate though.

So she's not entirely alone in the world.

Each week he takes her out for a stroll, coffees and long talks in the park.

Tries to cheer her up, succeeds most times. His jokes and smiles becomes the highlight of her whole existence.

"You need to get back out there." Nate tells her one day on one of their walks.

She looks up at him, blinks and sighs.

"I can give you your job back." It's not the first time he says it, she rejects the offer every time.

This day is no different.

"I can't, Nate."

Suddenly she sees a familiar face close to them.

_Blair._

She hasn't talked to her since the day she kicked her out. Just left her a bunch of messages that's been left unanswered.

Her hands start shaking and she loses the cup of coffee to the ground.

"Are you okay, Serena?" Nate asks softly, his look full of concern for her. He hasn't seen the brunette yet.

"It's Blair." Serena sighs.

"Oh."

"I have to talk to her."

"I don't think that's a good idea." He reaches for her arm.

"Nate…" Her eyes pleads and he let's go of her.

He watches her walk away from him.

Sees her approach her former best friend, notices that he's holding his breath.

He doesn't want this to hurt Serena even more. Wants so desperately for her to be okay, to be full of light and giggles again.

To be the girl he once fell in love with.

He has only seen her in small moments the past months. Days where he can see that smile again, hear the laughter that reaches her eyes.

_Those are the best days._

"Hey." Serena says; her voice vulnerable and soft.

Blair doesn't answer.

"Blair, please…"

"What do you want me to say?" She asks coldly.

"I just want to talk." Her voice desperate now.

"Okay. Let's talk about the fact that you slept with my boyfriend, again. In a bar, again. Or the fact that you ruin everything for me. That you sent my diary page, my inner thoughts, to Gossip girl. Yeah, let's talk about all of that." Blair snaps and Serena feels the tears pressing.

But she doesn't want to cry.

Not now.

Doesn't want to show Blair just how weak she really feels.

"He wasn't your…" She starts, looks down.

"He was my boyfriend at the time." Blair says.

"But you left him!" Serena yells. Her confidence bigger, her voice steadier.

"You went after Chuck. You still loved him, just like I said."

Blair doesn't answer.

"You didn't deserve Dan."

"Neither do you."

Serena sighs, has to agree with that.

Blair is smirking now, knows that she has hit a nerve.

"I don't want to have anything to do with you. You're dead to me. Okay?"

The numbness is back, the suffocating thoughts. The emptiness that has been eating on her for months.

She can't be there anymore.

She runs.

She is defeated, Blair won.

Nate sees her fleeing, he runs after.

But he loses sight of her.

His heart jumps in his chest as a terrifying thought fills his head.

* * *

She throws her clothes around, desperate to find a little purse.

She needs the high now, more than ever.

She has lost Blair. Forever this time.

Nothing she does or says will change that.

She doesn't find the pills at first, but something else. Pictures.

Pictures of her and Blair. Of Nate, Chuck, Dan. Of all of them together.

She falls to the floor, tears dropping down on their frozen faces.

Frozen in time.

_Memories are dangerous._

The ones with frames she throws hard at the walls and the ones without she starts ripping apart. Desperate movements, doesn't care that she starts bleeding.

She needs that high. Now.

So she crawls over to the suitcase, throws the rest of the clothes out and desperately reaches for a grey purse.

She takes out the pills and just sits and stares at them. Her whole body shaking and her heart racing out of control. She crosses her arms around her legs and moves back and forth in a steady rhythm. Her sight clouded by tears.

She doesn't move to take the pills. A part of her still holding back.

Suddenly there's a loud knocking on the door.

"Serena!"

It's Nate.

_Of course it is._

"Go away." She manages to stutter between the loud sobbing.

There's a click in the door and he is standing in the opening.

"What happened?" He asks softly, moving towards her.

"I don't want to talk about it." She whispers vulnerably.

He takes a look around, sees all the broken glass and ripped up pictures.

Then he sees the pills lying in front of her.

He sighs and sits down with her.

"You don't want to do that." He whispers and lays his hand on her lower back, just barely touching the fabric of her sweater.

"You don't know how much I want it, how much I want to give into the temptation. To numb myself for a while." More tears escapes as she leans into his hand.

Desperately needs him to hold her.

"I don't…" She starts, can't get more out. Feels her body shiver uncontrollably.

He hesitates at first, but soon he is holding her in a firm grip. Let's her cry against his chest. Strokes her back softly and whispers calmly words in her ear.

"I'm here." He whispers.

"I'm here for you."

Her sobbing stops eventually and she wipes some tears away and looks up at him.

Her blue eyes shimmering in the light.

"Why?" She whispers.

He furrows his brows.

"Why are you helping me?" Her voice softly and her face just inches from his.

He sighs as he strokes her cheek with his fingertip.

"Maybe you…" He starts, stops and closes his eyes.

"Maybe you were the love of _my_ life."


	3. The world spins madly on

**A/N: I know I said this story woulb be 2 or 3 chapters. But it will be four. So don't worry, it won't end like this. i want to thank all of you who reviews, a special thank you to the guest reviewers who I can't thank personally. Thank you! :) Please read and review.**

* * *

"_Maybe it's been inside of me all this time."_

* * *

Her heart skips a beat at his words.

She doesn't know what to say, how to go from there.

So she simply rests her head against his neck, her lips an inch from his skin.

Suddenly she places a kiss there. She can feel him swallow nervously.

She kisses him again, still just on his neck.

"Serena…" He feels his whole body aching for her.

She pulls a little away from him, looks him in the eyes before she leans in. She stops when her lips are so close to his that their breaths feel as one.

She slowly closes the little gap and kisses him.

It's tenderly at first, but soon more eagerly.

After a while he pulls away and takes her face in his hands.

"I can't…" He whispers, his breath unsteady.

She looks away.

"It will feel like I'm taking advantage of you, you're just so vulnerable now…So fragile"

She turns around again, blinks her eyes and looks at him.

"Trust me, you are not."

He closes his eyes.

"Nate…" It's only a whisper.

He tries to resist her, but he's running out of willpower. He opens his eyes and studies her, reaches out to touch her skin.

And then it's him that's kissing her.

The kiss sends shivers through her entire body. It's a new kind of high, a better kind.

Her hand makes its way under his shirt, his skin feels incredible warm against hers. His chest goes up and down as his breath increases. She slowly removes his shirt, still with her lips on his.

They are standing on their knees now, trying to take each other clothes off. The pace increases as he unbuttons her sweater.

"Nate…The bed." It's close to a moan.

He lifts her up and they stumble upon the bed, hands everywhere.

"Are you really sure?" He whispers as he is lying over her stroking both of her cheeks.

She simply nods at him and cups her head up to kiss him.

After that there are no more doubts, no more insecurity or whispered questions.

Just two people totally wrapped up in each other.

Two people who once loved each other and might still do.

* * *

He wakes up just after sunrise.

She's not next to him.

Serena is standing by the window, arms crossed, eyes blank.

"Hey." He says and sits up.

She doesn't answer, doesn't turn around to look at him.

"Can you please go?" She asks; voice hard and intense.

His good mood vanishes in seconds, it's is replaced with hurt and confusion.

He doesn't know what to believe, why she's suddenly so cold.

"Serena..." He whispers, gets out of bed and moves towards her.

He lays his hands softly on her shoulders.

"Please don't touch me." Her voice is emotionless now.

He pulls away from her.

"Why are you doing this?" He asks.

She doesn't answer at first, just continues to stare outside the window.

"You have a girlfriend"

"Yeah, but…"

"No buts!" She is yelling now.

"This is what I do! I ruin things." She turns around to look at him, get him to understand.

"Just go."

And then he does.

She's left alone.

Just like she wanted, but actually never wanted at all.

Her body slides slowly down the wall until she's sitting on the floor with her arms around her legs.

She breathes out deeply; it felt like she was holding her breath when he was still there.

And all the tears she forced away in front of him come in waves now. She lets them, doesn't bother to wipe any of them away. They show her that she still feels, that she still cares for something. They also tell her that she's still weak, still poisonous to everyone around her.

What she did with Nate was wrong. She knew that, but did it anyway.

She knows he has a girlfriend, her half-sister nonetheless. She's a cruel person, a selfish one.

She wanted it so badly and just took it, didn't think about the consequences or the people it would hurt.

Because being with Nate felt so freeing in a way, like it almost completed her. Being with him felt like a step towards finding herself, if that's even possible.

It made her feel better than before.

Now she just feels worse.

* * *

After he leaves her he just stands silently with his head against her door, eyes closed.

He hears her loud cries and desperately wants to go back in and hold her till she stops.

But that's not what _she_ wants. Not at all.

It's painful to hear her sobs, to know that he's the cause of it.

He knew he should have stopped it before it went that far, but he really didn't want to.

When he finally doesn't hear her crying anymore he takes the elevator three floors up and goes to his own room.

Lola is up, waiting for an explanation to where he's been all night.

He tells her everything.

And when he talks about all that has happened from that night in the bar till last night, he realizes something.

_Something important._

He was, is, and always will be, in love with Serena.

The realization baffles him in a way, but at the same time it doesn't. He thinks he has known it all along. That this has been inside of him forever. That maybe this was his destiny, that she _is_.

He knows he can't tell her, that there's no point to it.

Because as much as he thinks she is the love of his life, she believes that hers is Dan.

He can't do anything about that, can't shake her love for his friend.

But he can't seem to shake _her_ either.

* * *

Winter becomes spring.

Serena feels worse than ever.

It feels like she is stuck and everyone else is moving forwards.

The world goes on as she is frozen in the same place.

Blair and Chuck are getting married, she's not invited and neither of them is speaking to her.

Dan is publishing a new book; she bet she's the villain again.

He is not speaking to her either.

And Nate, Nate is successful at the Spectator and New York's most wanted bachelor.

He is talking to her. She doesn't know what she would have done if he didn't.

Right now he is all she has.

But things have changed, he is different towards her.

It isn't strange, she threw him out. She hurt him.

She sees him less and less for each day that goes by.

Now, she hasn't seen him in weeks.

It isn't strange. She does that, pushes people away.

She is venom. Pure toxin that poisons everyone's life.

People cut her off and they finally go places, accomplish things, get what they deserve, move on. She deserves to be stuck.

She should just leave again; remove herself completely from Nate's life.

He deserves the best.

She deserves nothing.

* * *

He can't stop thinking about her, sees her everywhere.

She's in his dreams, and also his nightmares.

When he's in meetings, the thought of her distracts him.

When he talks to Chuck and he mentions her name, his heart skips a beat.

On the few occasions he's with her, he goes around holding his breath.

Just wants to scream to her that he loves her.

But then he spends time with Dan, and he remembers.

Remembers that Serena loves him, that she wants to be with him.

That they are just friends, she just slept with him because she was weak, vulnerable, fragile. Just because she needed comfort and human contact. She needed someone, he was there.

On some days he wants to distance himself from her.

But then he realizes that she has no one else.

And that he can't quit her, she's like a drug. And he is very much addicted.

She's under his skin, in his head and heart.

_He really can't shake her._

* * *

"Hey." She whispers when she opens the door and sees him standing there.

"Can I come in?" He asks and she notices that his breath smells of alcohol.

"Are you drunk, Nate?" Her eyes narrowed.

He shakes his head.

"Just had a couple of drinks."

She lets him in, hopes she won't regret it.

Knows she probably will.

He sits down at her bed; she stands two feet away from him. Arms crossed as a way of protecting herself. Closing herself up, preparing the high walls she doesn't won't to let him climb. She can't let him. It will eventually destroy them both.

"I need to talk to you, Serena."

She doesn't like the seriousness and honesty in his voice. Doesn't like where this is going.

She breathes out, feels her heart beat fast.

"I think…" He starts, rubs his forehead and looks at her.

"I think I have to tell you something"

She closes her eyes, doesn't know how to stop this.

He gets up, moves towards her.

As he goes forwards, she takes two steps backwards.

"I know…" He swallows, sets his eyes in her.

His heart is racing.

"I know that I lo.."

"Don't…" She pleads, doesn't let him finish.

"I love you, Serena."

"Don't!" She yells; tears everywhere.

"Don't say that." She cries.

She's standing up by the wall now, feels trapped. His words don't help. He can't love her; she is no good for him. She will ruin his life, so much she knows.

"Serena…" He says, voice low and vulnerable. His eyes plead her to stop this.

But she can't.

Cause he is halfway up her walls now, and she can't let him climb all the way over.


	4. Your words, they take me

**A/N: Still not last chapter!**

* * *

_Now you feel it. Now you don't_

_Do you know what you're feeling?_

* * *

She feels her body start shaking. Breathes in and out to make it stop.

Just want all of this to go away.

Wants him to stop loving her.

Because she knows she will never deserve it. And she knows she will hurt him.

She can't do that to him. Not again.

"I can't.."

"You can't what?" He asks, so close now she freezes.

She shakes her head, tears streaming down her face.

"I can't give you what you want." She says and closes her eyes, wipes away some of the tears.

He sighs.

"Right now I only want you to look me in the eye and tell me that you don't feel anything for me." He stops.

"That you can never see yourself loving me again."

Her eyes are wide open, locked with his. Blue meets blue.

Her mouth is halfway open, prepared to tell him that she in fact has no feelings for him whatsoever. And that she doesn't love him at all.

But something stops her. She can't lie to him; she can't go back to being that person, back to deception and lies.

But she can't tell him the entire truth either, it would be too selfish of her.

So she takes a middle way.

"I do love you, Nate. You are one of my oldest friends. I care for you so much..." She tries to smile at him, he doesn't return it.

He looks down at the floor.

"Maybe I can't be just your friend."

"Please, Nate" She is the one walking closer to him now, stands so close she can see all the small colors in his pupils and the tiny scar at the side of his nose.

"I've tried being your friend; it fails in the end every time. It's not possible for me to stop loving you, stop being in love with you. I've tried..."

She can see a tear forming in his eye and all she wants is to hold him.

And don't ever let go,

But she can't.

Just as she can't tell him that being his friend might not be enough for her either.

But for him she has to be strong now. For him she has to let him go. Him being happy is what's most important now. And she can never be the one to make him that.

She has realized that now. That she is supposed to be alone.

It's like a punishment. A punishment for all the bad things she's done over the years.

Nate was never hers to begin with. Taking him, sleeping with him, was the first really big selfish thing she did.

And from there it's mostly been downhill.

"When you broke up with me you told me that you had to do it if we were ever going to have a real chance. I never got that chance,_we_ never got that chance. It's here now; our second chance is right in front of us. And I'm ready to grab it. Because you, Serena, are still the most beautiful, amazing, alive person I've ever known."

His words touches hers like no words has done before. He is fighting for her like no man has done before him.

And it takes all her strength to reject him now.

All the strength to keep the walls still standing.

She takes his hand, sees a flash of hope in his eyes. Knows she is about to crush it, hates herself for it already.

"But I can't."

He pulls away from her, is halfway to the door.

She is crying again.

"Please don't take this the wrong way, Nate. Please"

Pleading in her voice, in her eyes, in her entire body.

She goes after him forces him to look at her.

"It's not many other ways to take it, Serena" He says. His eyes blank, but no tears down his cheeks,

"But..." She starts before he stops her.

"Its Dan isn't it?" He asks, determined to get real answers.

She shakes her head and whispers no.

"You are in love with Dan. He's the love of your life." It's not a question now, more of a statement.

She is still shaking her head at him. He doesn't believe her. She will never be over Dan. And he, he will never be over her.

He wants to laugh in that moment.

Because he will always love Serena.

And Serena is holding on to Dan, who still loves Blair.

Blair will never be over Chuck.

In some sort of way they have all had an impact on each other, managed to screw up every relationship at one point. And now only two of them still have each other, while the rest of them are hurting while picking up the pieces of three broken hearts.

Hearts that forever will be this way.

Flawed.

Missing something, someone.

Thanks to themselves, they will never truly be happy.

And maybe that's just how it is in this world of theirs. Where true love always have been rare and so easy to lose when you first find it.

He has lost it, she has. And he doesn't know how to go from there, what to do next.

"I'm going to go now." He says calmly, opens the door slowly.

A part of him desperately hoping she will stop him.

To say something that will change everything.

She doesn't.

"And you probably won't see me for a while."

She is still just staring into the air, arms crossed, tears resting on her eyelashes.

He walks out, closes the door and feels his heart ache as he walks away.

His cheeks no longer dry.

She throws herself at the bed, sobs against the pillows.

Prays that this was not the end of everything.

* * *

She is walking around Manhattan. Her phone buzzing in her pocket. It's her mom, calling for the fifth time that day. It's been like this for months. She doesn't take no for an answer.

Doesn't understand that she has wants nothing to do with her.

Her mom is probably the only person she knows with bigger flaws than herself.

And she doesn't want that in her life.

She is trying to change.

Has got a job, modeling for catalogues and doing small catwalk shows.

It's fun, refreshing and good.

She feels stronger now, has been able to resist the partying and the drugs that the other models offers her backstage.

She feels like she's on the right way.

The only thing missing is Nate. She barely sees him anymore.

He's avoiding her.

And she gets it, just wished that things would be different.

Suddenly she sees a book with a familiar name.

Dan.

Doesn't understand how she's missed the release of it.

She grabs a copy, buys it and runs home to read it.

He paints a picture of their world so vivid it almost scares her.

But at the same time it's so fascinating to read.

She finds herself on the pages; she comes to life in his words.

It hits her close to home.

To see herself from the outside.

How Dan sees her now, how he's maybe always seen her.

Selfish, horrible, never able to take the consequences of her own actions,

It's eye-opening.

Her and Blair's many feuds and betrayals are described down to the smallest details, she doesn't know how he knows it all. Probably its things they've both told him over the years, things others have told. And things that have been written about them.

_There are few secrets left. _

In inside, Blair was the hero.

Now they are both villains.

And they deserve it.

This is a reflection of who they've been, who they still are.

A reflection of their reality.

Dan got caught in the middle in this disturbing world they call their home. He came from the outside, naive and pure. She thinks that's the biggest part of why she fell for him so hard so quickly. He was untouched by the insanity, the games and the lies. He was honest, decent. Nothing like the people she usually surrounded herself with.

Except Nate.

He was the good one amongst the bad. Honest amongst all the liars.

She realizes that when she reads the book, how incredible lucky she is to have him in her life. How he is the only one that Dan praises, the only one who gets good words.

The hero in the book.

And in her life.

What surprises her most is that there's a whole chapter about her and Nate there. It's mostly about how she took him from Blair. How she was so cruel that she slept with her best friends boyfriend. And then Dan has written about her relationship with Nate, how it ended with her kissing him. How she again showed that she can't be trusted, that she isn't a good girlfriend.

_"…From the moment I heard about their history I was worried. When I saw them together for the first time I think a part of me knew. That these two people were meant to be, that they were one of those couples that in the end always will find their way back to each other. That no one else stands a chance. First it bothered me, like it would do to anyone. But at a point I let Serena go, I got over her. And I actually rooted for them. But I don't think Serena knows how lucky she would be to have Nate, how lucky she is. But destiny will always be just that, destiny..." _

A tear drops down at the paper.

She doesn't know how to feel now. How she should take this.

But as she turns the last pages of the book and reads the harsh words Dan has written, and she remembers the ways he has judged her even when she didn't deserve it, she realizes that Dan might not be quite the man she thought he was. And that she fell for a version of him that wasn't entirely real.

And the things he writes about Nate, and her and Nate, gives her a feeling that Dan has realized something she hasn't fully figured out herself.

But is starting to now.


	5. Summertime sadness

**A/N: I am a big fat liar, this isn't the end either! Sorry for dragging it out.**_  
_

* * *

Spring becomes summer.

It's her favorite season.

It's Nate's too.

Over the years summer has been there time.

From they were small kids running around in the Hamptons. He always chasing her, she two steps before him enjoying the attention he gives her. Giggles and smiles, clothes and hair taken by the wind. The two of the tumbling around in the grass. They were just kids back then. Carefree and happy. Unknowing of what the future would bring, how their lives would turn out.

And they didn't know that something would never change.

_The chasing_.

He is still two steps behind her. Still not able to catch her. She didn't let him then, because she wanted him to chase her forever. She loved the way it made her feel.

When he caught her, because he did eventually every time, she ran away again.

He right behind.

Now, now she doesn't know what she wants anymore.

She thought she wanted him to stop. To let go of her. Forever, this time. But maybe that's not what she wants to at all.

Dan's book has made her rethink everything. Not mainly because of his words or the stories he tells so vividly. But because of what it made her realize, what they made her feel when she thought back. Back to her childhood, back to the high school days, back to every day for the past year.

There's one person who's been there. Taken her for what she is. Never judged her, never left her.

Just simply been there for her, even when she didn't deserve it. Told her the truth, given her space to change. Helped her change. Made her want to be a better person.

One person that has loved her unconditionally.

_Nate._

And she loves him too. Thinks she has since she saw him for the first time. A summer day (of course) many years ago, a boy in one of her mother's garden parties. Golden hair, blue eyes, dimples. They were only eight, but it was still magnetic.

Two people with the same blue eyes, but so different minds. She without a care in the world, high above everything. He so grounded and calm, so refreshingly….Real.

Surrounded by fake people, fake friendships and marriages, fake things, fake love, she found at the age of eight something completely real. Him.

Something worth holding onto.

Something she lost.

But never really did at all.

Because he was still here, after everything he was still the one by her side. Her rock, her hero. Her love.

She was not ready, doesn't know if she ever will be.

It is so frustrating and hard, to know that she'll never be good for him. That she never will deserve him.

Because now, when she closes her eyes and sees the golden boy in the big garden, she _knows_.

She knows it will always be him.

That it always was. She's just been sidetracked, confused. Taken too many steps on the wrong roads.

But at the end every road has lead her to him, every choice.

_Everything. _

She closes her eyes again. Now the boy is twelve. It's still Summer. Still green grass, blue sky, sand and the wide endlessly ocean. It's still him and her.

And their very first kiss.

When she touches her lips now it's like she can still feel his lips, it's like she can still smell his sent that day, coconut and beach. Still taste the saltwater on his lips.

She sighs and opens her eyes.

Now the boy is not here.

_It's just her and she doesn't know what to do._

* * *

Nate looks out of the window. The sun is high on the sky, stray of light hitting his face.

Summer only reminds him of one thing, one person.

And that's Serena, who else?

Some things will never change, and summer has always been special for them.

He does not know why, feels it has entirely to do with Serena. She _is _Summer. Full of light and laughter, hot like the warmest day. Free like bare feet touching sand, unpredictable like the waves hitting shore. Strong and stubborn like the thunder storms. Cool and chilling like the summer breeze.

And no woman wears a bikini like Serena. No woman has hair like hers after a swim in the sea.

He remembers the freckles that always pops up after a day in the sun, her tan legs that goes on forever. They way she always tastes of champagne and strawberries.

He will never forget their first kiss. How their lips met as the waves hit their feet. How she giggled against his neck when it was over. How he nervously reached for her hand, and that she let him hold it.

He will never forget the white party, how she surprised him with a bruising kiss. How it made him feel things he had desperately tried to bury. How the white dress was so tightly wrapped around her goddess body.

At the same time he will never forget the summer after she broke up with him. How there was no them. How he tried to wipe away all the pain, shut out all the hurt. How he so massively failed.

How the summer was ruined.

And now, now he hasn't seen her. Hasn't gotten to see the sunlight in her eyes, smelled the salt in her hair, tasted her strawberry lips, counted the freckles on her nose.

Now he has nothing to keep in his memory. Because he can't bear to see her now. Not now that he knows she will never be his again, that they will never get a second chance.

She doesn't want him and one way or another he has to be able to accept that.

For everyone's sake.

* * *

She hasn't been in Brooklyn for months.

The once familiar staircase up to Dan's loft feels strange all of a sudden and the steps feel difficult to take. It feels like she is walking a mile and her heart is pounding hard in her chest.

She hasn't seen him since the day she left. She knows he doesn't want to talk to her.

But she has to. She needs answers, she needs to understand, and he is the only one who can help her.

She needs closure.

She needs to move on. To let go so she can change, so she can be the best possible version of herself.

To be someone that can be worthy of love. Unconditionally love.

She stops in front of the door, her hand up in the air inches from knocking. She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes.

Knocks three times while holding her breath.

She doesn't know why she's so scared.

She hears him walking on the other side. Just hope he won't slam the door in her face.

"Serena..." He looks surprised to see her.

"Hey" She whispers vulnerably.

They just stare at each other at first, no words exchanged. He lets the door open and walks in. She waits a few seconds and walks after him.

He turns around to face her, his eyes full of question.

"I need to talk to you." She says quietly, looks down at the wooden floor.

"Okay." He simply says and crosses his arms.

"I read your book." She says.

"It's good." She smiles at him.

He doesn't say anything.

She feels so distant from him now. After everything that has happened, she feels that the bond they once shared is vanishing. They don't feel like the same people. She is most definitely not the same girl that fell for the outsider. The boy from Brooklyn who was so refreshing.

He is not the same now either.

"I..." She starts, exhales and sets her eyes in him.

"I wrote some horrible things about you." He suddenly says. Doesn't seem to regret it, just states it. He doesn't understand how she can say that it was good. He painted a picture of her that was not flattering, not something you would think someone could appreciate.

But she dies. Because it opened her eyes.

It made her see clearer. Made her see herself. Made her want to run away from that person and never look back.

"You did." She says.

"And nothing was a lie. It was all the truth. Those things you wrote about, were things I've done, said, The person you described was me." She stops.

"But I don't want to be that person anymore..." Her voice cracks and tears starts to surface.

He sighs.

"I don't know what to say." He sits down.

"I just need to know some things, I need some answers." She wipes away the tears, wants to be stronger now.

"Then just ask." He tells her and she sits down next to him.

Doesn't quite know where to start.

"Did you always see me like that? Was you and I only.." She breathes in.

"Were you and I not real?" It's only a whisper.

He sighs, a part of him wants to take her hand. He doesn't.

"We were real, Serena. At the end, we just weren't right for each other. It was not meant to be."

She smiles. It was good to hear that he thought they'd shared something real. That it wasn't just in her head.

Someone could actually love her.

He did, Nate does.

Maybe she just needs to love herself.

"A part of me always saw your selfish side though. We all have good and bad sides, Serena. Not everything is black and white." Dan smiles at her.

"I don't hate you, if that's what you think. I never really did."

She nods at him. It means a lot to hear.

"But there's no chance for us. We will never get back together. I hope you know that?"

She nods again.

"That's not what I want. Not anymore. I realized when I read your book that you and I weren't the persons I first thought, we weren't that couple I have always imagined us to be. And its okay, I've come to terms with it."

A tear makes it's away down her cheek.

"I don't think you actually are the love of my life."

"No offence." She adds and laughs a little.

He joins her.

"None taken."

She takes a deep breath, has a question more to ask.

"Did you mean the things you wrote about Nate? About me and Nate and destiny?"

"Yes." He simply answers.

"I've seen it, Serena. The way he still loves you, The way that you love him, even when you don't realize it yourself. You have so much history, and you two will never go away."

He feels strongly about it. A part of him always knew. Knew that he and Serena never had a real chance, because there would always be Nate.

And he didn't stand a chance.

"I think it's time..." Serena starts, not sure why she tells Dan this. Maybe she just needs to say it out loud. To make it a promise.

"I think it's time I start fighting for him now."

Dan's face shows no emotion. He just reaches for his pocket and takes out his phone.

"Then I think you should hurry." He says.

He gives her his phone.

"Haven't you seen this?" He asks.

She hasn't.

Hasn't been on Gossip girl for ages.

What meets her eyes on the screen hits her in the face. Her heart stops for a second.

It's Nate.

Nate and a girl.


	6. Season of love

_Every question, every answer too_

_Every constant, ever changing you _

_It's all memory in the sun_

_Or it's all in the darkness_

_Where did it come from_

_And where does it go?_

_If it were right in front of me_

_Would I know?_

_Love, love, love_

* * *

She runs. Through the streets of Brooklyn.

No end goal in sight. She doesn't know where she's going, she never really does.

She just needs to clear her head now.

The running is freeing, liberating in a way.

But it doesn't change the facts. It doesn't remove the image that is printed to her mind.

Nate has a new girlfriend.

It doesn't erase all the shit she's done over the years either. The things that made her a person she detests. A person that at this point actually don't have anyone.

Alone in the world.

She stops. Catches her breath at an unfamiliar street corner. Studies the people passing her. Sees their smiles and makes up stories about them in her head. How happy they are, how they have everything they want, need.

She realizes that if you really want something you can't just sit and wait for it to just fall into your lap. Like she has done so many times before. You have to fight, make an effort.

You have to really deserve it.

She reaches for her phone.

Dials his familiar number.

Feels her heart race in her chest, and her breath increasing.

"You've reached Nathanial Archibald..."

She takes a deep breath.

"Hey, it's me.I.." She pauses.

"I need to talk to you. I just... I really need to.." She can't find the words.

The words that will make a difference now.

"Please, give me a chance. Please, Natie..."

Saying his name like that comes natural all of a sudden. She hasn't said it in years.

She closes her eyes.

She closes her eyes and sees his face. His sixteen years old face.

_"Stop it, Natie!" She squeals and giggles unstoppably. His arms around her waist tickling her while his head rests at her shoulder._

_"You didn't say please!" He laughs. _

_She doesn't want to. She loves having him this close. To feel his skin against hers, his breath in her ear. _

_He stops either way and she snuggles up against him._

_"Do you think things will stay like this forever? Us. Friends like this?"_

_He hugs her tightly and smiles._

_"Of course" He says._

_"Always."_

* * *

He wanders around Manhattan in the summer heat.

Has to loosen up his tie because it feels like its strangling him.

The heat, the tie, his head.

_His feelings._

Everything is strangling him.

He sighs as he tries to get a cab.

Then suddenly his phone starts ringing.

_It's Serena._

He considers taking it, talking to her.

But soon he decides to let it just ring.

Because he just can't bear the thought of hearing her voice now.

It's too hard.

Just like everything else that has to do with her.

He wonders if Serena is a girl it's impossible to get over.

That he will live his life unsatisfied, unhappy.

He doesn't want that.

_He just wants her._

But she doesn't want him.

He has to accept that.

For now he thinks it's best to just not see her.

So maybe, maybe he can one day be her friend again.

Because he needs her in his life. One way or another.

* * *

She paces around her hotel room.

The room that's been her home for the past year.

_Home._

The word tastes so bad in her mouth.

This isn't what a home should be like, feel like.

She realizes that this isn't what life should feel like either.

She is just existing, just breathing.

Serena knows that she is not _alive_, not even close.

People can go a lifetime without really living; now she is one of those people.

She didn't use to be. Once she knew what feeling alive felt like. She knew love and friendship, gratitude and humbleness.

But it's a long time ago,

She just recently discovered that part of herself again. The part that not only is self centered and biased. The part that not only can love other people, but also herself.

And that's the part that wants to really _live_ again.

It's about time now, after everything.

When Nate kissed her it felt like he breathed new life in her. When he touched her and were close to her again, it felt like being free and alive.

It just made sense.

She reaches for her phone again.

No missed calls and no new messages.

She isn't surprised, isn't disappointed in him, isn't angry or sad.

She just feels nothing.

The numbness inside is back.

And now she thinks only Nate can drive it completely away.

* * *

On the drive home, his phone is burning in his pocket.

He really wants to know if she left him a message.

He suddenly craves to hear her voice.

To feel some sort of closeness with her.

He reaches for it and just stares at it for a minute.

_You have one new message. _

His hand is shaking, his palm sweaty all of a sudden.

He feels his heart race faster only because she wants to talk to him.

_Please, Natie._

He hasn't heard her call him that in ages.

It makes his heart ache.

It makes hope come back and excitement fill his mind.

He sighs.

It's probably nothing. She just wants to be friends and wants him to talk to her again.

Maybe she misses him.

He closes his eyes.

Pictures her. Her long legs and beautiful smile. Her bright blue eyes and the blonde locks.

He takes a deep breath.

Why can't he just forget her and move on?

Because he doesn't want to, he realizes.

He wants her in any way or form possible. Lover or friend, he _needs_ her.

She completes him.

* * *

Serena falls asleep before three o'clock, after pacing around waiting for Nate to call her back.

He never did.

She dreams about him. About summer and sailing. About ice coffee and kisses that tastes champagne and strawberries. His sandy blonde hair that tickles her skin. The sand under her feet as they watch the sunset.

It's not actually dreams, more like memories.

Sacred moments she has forever stored.

It will be all she gets now.

Serena wakes up by the tears in her eyes.

She curls up in bed and sighs.

She feels pathetic, weak.

She closes her eyes again. All she wants is to go back. Back to summers full of laughter and love.

Full of _them_.

She's interrupted by a hard knocking on the door.

"I haven't ordered anything!" She yells and closes her eyes again.

"It's me, Serena."

She jumps off the bed and quickly fixes her hair in the mirror.

She feels like a teenager again when she slowly walks towards the door.

Her heart racing and her stomach filled with butterflies.

"Hey." She whispers when she sees him.

He doesn't say anything.

Just stares at her, mixed emotions in his eyes.

She looks down.

"You want to come in?" She asks.

He shakes his head; she tries to hide her disappointment.

He doesn't want to be in that room. Can't stop thinking about all the things that has happened there.

The good and the bad.

He isn't able to take two steps inside there.

"I thought we could take a walk in the park. Since you wanted to talk to me."

Serena slowly nods, understands that he wants to be on neutral ground. Wants to keep this platonic and casual. Out in public, where nothing can happen. He has a girlfriend now; she has to remind herself over and over.

She grabs a pair of sandals that goes with her dress and follows him to the elevator.

In there, she can't breathe.

They are standing close, but yet so far apart. He doesn't look at her and she feels tears forming in her eyes.

It feels like forever, the unbearable silence and the need to touch him.

She takes deep breaths as the elevator moves closer to freedom.

Free from them being all alone and him not speaking.

He sighs in relief as the door opens.

He pushed away the ache to feel her skin all the way down; he couldn't get a word out because it physically hurt just to look at her.

She is Serena, and this is summer.

Nate's greatest weaknesses.

* * *

"So…" She starts as they walk side by side for the first time in a very long time.

He looks at her, waits for her to continue.

"I am so sorry." She whispers.

"For everything." She adds and looks up at him.

He looks surprised.

She doesn't give him a chance to say anything.

"I am sorry for sleeping with you all those years ago, for leaving the day after. I am sorry for the way I acted when I came back and what I said to you." She takes a deep breath before continuing.

"I am sorry for kissing Dan when we were together and for stringing you two along and not choosing between you. And for sleeping with you and kicking you out the next day."

She feels her eyes get blank.

"And I'm sorry for generally being a bad, selfish person. And mostly for always taking you for granted. I promised you once that I wouldn't do that again…But I just keep…" She stops, tears streaming now.

She tries to wipe them all away, but fails.

Nate reaches out a hand as if he's about to touch her. But he changes his mind halfway through.

He doesn't know how to react.

But he hates to see her cry.

He really wants to hold her, comfort her. But is not sure that's what she wants in all of this.

He doesn't know how desperately she actually wants him to.

"I realize that the person I have been…" Her voice is nearly gone; she is too focused on just breathing properly. And the tears are still coming.

"I'm not a good person."

They aren't walking anymore; they're standing still on the middle of a lawn in the park. The sunlight is hitting Serena's face and the sight of her is still hurting Nate physically. He just wants to feel the warmth of her skin again. Can't believe the affect she actually has on him. It's worse than a drug, worse than an addiction. You can go to rehab for that stuff.

You can't ever quit Serena.

_He_ can never quit her.

"Stop it." He whispers, moves a step closer to her.

"You are not a bad person, Serena." His eyes so honest, so pure in a way.

It makes her want to cry even more.

"Nate..." She whispers. Wants to tell him why she really wanted to talk to him. Tell him about her realization and that he is the one that has always been there for her.

Tell him that she does love him and that she does want to be him.

Something holds her back though and all she can do is whisper his name over and over as the tears comes in bigger waves..

Suddenly his hand is on her cheek, carefully wiping some of them away.

He finally feels a stray of hope again. The way she is looking at him right now is like no girl has looked at him before. It's not a look for people that are just friends.

She closes her eyes, leans into his touch.

Desperately wants to feel his lips on hers.

She opens her eyes, locks them with his. He is moving towards her now and then she realizes why she is holding back.

_He has a girlfriend._

And she was done being this person. This person that only thinks about herself, what she wants.

She has to let him live his life. Let him have a real chance at happiness.

She can't ruin this for him. Not again.

So she pulls away from him a little, sees the disappointment in his eyes.

"I realized something when I read Dan's book."

The mention of his name makes Nate be the one to take two steps back.

It brings everything back. All the hurt and devastation.

All the insecurities.

Hearing her say his name makes his heart drop to his stomach.

"I get it..." He starts.

She looks up at him, starts shaking her head.

"No…" She says over and over.

"Not like that."

His eyes are at the ground.

"I realized that you are the one person that has always been there for me, never judged me. You are the one that has been able to drag me up from the gutter. The only one who's even bothered to try and help me…And I just…"

She is almost yelling now, it's so important for her that he understands.

That he knows just how much she appreciates it, how much he means to her.

"I just want to thank you for that."

He takes a step towards her again, his eyes blank.

"I would do it all again." His voice low.

She blinks at him.

"I would do everything one more time. The heartache and the hurt. All that bad stuff just to have the good too. You are worth it, _we_ are worth it."

He is standing right in front of her now, can finally count the freckles on her nose.

"I can't…" She whispers as he leans in to kiss her.

She turns around, ready to walk away from him.

He grabs hold of her arm, makes her face him again.

"Why?" He asks desperately. Feels like she is playing with him now.

"I don't want to be that person anymore, I want to change. I can't be selfish."

His eyes looks at her filled with confusion.

"You have a girlfriend." She says and looks down.

He lets go of her.

"What are you talking about?"`

She is the one confused now.

"The girl you were with on Gossip girl…"

It's only a whisper.

"She was just a girl I had to bring at a charity event, it was nothing. I don't even remember her name to be honest."

Serena's eyes are wide as she feels like she can finally breathe again. The feeling in her stomach is slowly vanishing and she has to smile at him.

"I've missed that smile." He whispers.

She suddenly stops.

She has realized something else.

"We still can't be together." She whispers as she starts walking away again.

He walks after, anger starting to rise.

"Stop this!" He yells and grabs hold of her again. Both of his arms holding her tightly.

She is crying again.

"I realized that if we get together you lose everything. You lose your friends…"

"Stop..." He interrupts her.

"No more excuses, Serena."

She looks to the ground.

"I don't deserve this. You going back and forth. "

"I don't deserve _this_." He repeats.

And she knows he doesn't. And she wants to be with him.

She is just scared she will mess it up again.

"I won't let you walk away from me now."

He looks so determined, like this is smoethign he really means.

There is no getting away now.

"I love you." She suddenly blurts out.

He lets go of her, looks like he is going into a state of shock.

"I'm in love with you." She is smiling again now.

Cause saying it out loud wasn't scary at all. It was freeing.

It made her feel a sense of being complete.

Of being herself.

She loves him.

She has always loved _him_.

"Can you say that again?" He asks as he walks towards her.

She just jumps at him, kisses him fiercely.

He lifts her up, kisses her back with his hands securely on her hips. She tastes like chocolate.

She tastes like freedom.

He tastes like _home_.

"I love you." She whispers in his ear as he hugs her tightly.

She can't believe she hasn't done this before.

It feels so incredible right.

"I think maybe…" She starts and grabs a hold of his hands.

"Maybe you aren't just the love of my life. You are also my _home_."

He smiles widens and he kisses her again.

It's him and Serena.

It's sun and sweet kisses.

_It's finally starting to feel like summer._

**_-fin_**


End file.
